


Review

by BleedingInk



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Fluff and Crack, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:41:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23217181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BleedingInk/pseuds/BleedingInk
Summary: Castiel reviews his relationship with Meg.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Meg Masters
Comments: 13
Kudos: 15





	Review

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Texboy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Texboy/gifts).



> Happy birthday, Chris!

I know you will probably find this hard to believe, but I never really hated her.

It’s hard to explain. The first time I saw her, we were enemies. She was taunting me from beyond the circle of flames where I was trapped. Through the flickering lights, I could see her true form hiding just beneath the human mask she was wearing. She was so certain of Hell’s victory, so sure we were impotent to stop them.

She was a monster, of course. Someone who would have killed me without hesitation had she had the power and the opportunity to do so. I tried to do the same to her, after all, but it wasn’t out of hate. We were simply soldiers fighting different sides of the war.

I was never unaware of what she was, of the things she had done, to you, to your family, to our cause. But even with that, I didn’t hate her, no more than I hated all of other enemies, in any case. She was just another obstacle to get through to fulfil our objectives.

My feelings for her didn’t change until everything else did as well. I suppose the world had to be a different place for two beings like us to become close and it was after everything we did. I was… new to having a body that was thoroughly mine, to own up to the sensations and desires it could hold. I couldn’t blame Jimmy anymore for what my vessel craved; those were purely mine.

So when I tell you that the next time I saw her, I was overcome with lust, you need to understand this is where I was coming from. The war was over, we were unexpected and uneasy allies. There was nothing holding me back. I no longer had the obligation to hate her simply for what she was. I was, for the first time, free to pursue whatever experiences I wished, without judgment, without limits.

Yes, I knew what she was, I knew what she had done. I never fooled myself in that regards. I think she knew, too, that I was powerful enough that I could destroy her anytime I wanted. Perhaps that was part of what appealed to her about me. There is something to be said about pursuing the forbidden, and what is more forbidden for an angel than a demon? And vice-versa, of course.

You asked me how it happened. I’m trying to explain it to you. I am not “waxing poetically” for the sake of it. Will you let me continue?

Thank you.

Well, you know what happened afterwards. For a time, I was… out of commission, so to speak. She was there for me. For her own interest, of course, but she was there for me when no one else was.

Yes, I understand why you had to do it. I understand I was in no condition to come along with you and you were also angry, as you had every right to be, since the mistakes I had made were numerous and they’d hurt the both of you. I don’t blame you for it. I never did.

And besides, what you did brought me closer to her and that is something I can never stop being thankful for.

Yes, we became closer during that time, emotionally. She didn’t want to… I think she didn’t want to _be_ with me while I wasn’t fully myself, so she restricted our physical contact then. No, I don’t know if it was about standards, but in any case, it was what it was. I came to see her as something else. Our relationship changed into something that wasn’t antagonistic like before, or purely physical. It wasn’t just about desire anymore, it was…

Quite simply, we came to care for one another, on a deeper level.

And that was how it happened, how our relationship became what it is now. You know with the way our lives are, we barely have any time for peace, for rest, but in those rare moments when we do, I choose to spend them with her.

I never understood why you were so obsessed with sex, but I think I get it now. Being with her is a divine experience and believe me, as an angel, I don’t use those words lightly. I found a certain pleasure in her arms, between her thighs, that I had been depriving myself of for so long because I didn’t think I was made for it. I found that I can lose myself in pure sensation, in pure physicality. I become distracted, vulnerable, but I don’t mind being vulnerable when I am with her. I don’t know if I would feel this way with someone else.

Yes, you absolutely need to know all of these details, since you asked.

It is not my fault that you walk into rooms without knocking. And yes, I will continue to invite her to come over here whenever we can pause our fighting. You said this place could be my home as well, and as my home, I believe I am entitled to have whatever guests I wish to over. I don’t believe she will want to move in here, so you needn’t worry about that, no. I don’t understand why you are protesting. You more than anyone should know how precious the time we get to spend with our loved ones is.

I did say that, yes. Why is it surprising? We don’t have a word for love like this in Enochian. We have plenty of words for service, for obedience, for submission. That is the kind of love we are expected to have for our Father, for our older brothers. You and your brother showed me there could be different kinds of devotion, different kinds of love. Is it really that strange that I have chosen to find love as well?

I appreciate your concern, but I assure you, there’s no need for it. If what you’re worried about is the sincerity of her intentions towards me, let me put your mind at ease.

She would probably be embarrassed to confess this out loud and she would not be pleased to know that I have told this to you, but that first night we spent together, I was half-expecting her to get up and leave the moment we were done. She had obtained what she wanted from me, of course, and I was certain, as you are now, that this would be the end of the line for us.

But instead, she stayed. She curled up closer to me and remained silent. We don’t need sleep, of course, but she closed her eyes and she looked extremely peaceful and calm. I stared at her face, at the looming shadows behind it.

And then she opened her eyes and told me she loved me. It seemed to be a hard admission for her to make, and that is why I appreciated her words all of the more.

No, I have no reason to doubt them. Why would she lie about something like this? She is as vulnerable with me as I am with her. I trust her and I don’t expect you to do the same, but I would appreciate it if you could at least trust my judgement.

Thank you.

As for what we were doing at the time you walked in on us, specifically, Meg wanted us to try a new activity. Do you know what a strap on is? It’s a penis-shaped toy attached to a harness that can be used to stimulate a partner…

Why are you walking away, Dean?

Very well. In the future, I would hope you don’t ask questions when you cannot handle the answer.


End file.
